I have been continuing in Hebrews still, making it all the way through chapter 9. God has really been revealing some things to me that I haven't really ever thought much about before or connected.
One of the things I noticed in a different light was the necessity of blood for the forgiveness of sins. Now, yes, I did realize that it was Jesus' blood that makes me clean and forgives my sins and I have also read through the Old Testament a few times and know the significance of their sacrifices and the blood spattering and smearing and all that gross, stinky stuff. But, I had never, for some odd reason, put much significance in the fact that it was the offering of the blood of these sacrifices that they used to ask forgiveness. I call it my light bulb moment.
My light bulb moment today (well, actually, it came from yesterday and today): forgiveness. Hebrews 10:1-10 talks about how Christ's blood was our forgiveness, once for all. No more blood needed ever again. Yesterday, I saw a glimpse of how easily God forgives us through the innocence and love of my 2-year-old daughter.
It had been one of those days, a three potty-training accidents before 10 a.m., cell phone fell in the toilet, constant discipline issues, three babies screaming at me at once, printer won't work, woke up at 5:30 a.m. type of day. At 11:30, when my hopes of stopping by the post office before I picked up my 3-year-old from preschool had fallen through due to very frustrating printer issues, three children were all literally bawling and screaming at me, and my 2-year-old was messing with my computer again after just being disciplined for it 20 minutes earlier, I lost it. I totally lost it. I screamed right back at my little girl. "DON'T TOUCH MOMMY'S COMPUTER!"
I was livid. I just couldn't take any more. She had already received 6 or more spankings that morning for blatant disobedience, and I was at the end of my patience rope, I was just done. I yelled so loud it scared all of the kids and they screamed even louder. I, then, escaped to my garage to strap in car seats so we could pick up Miss Firecracker, came back and got all the children and strapped them in the car seats. Low and behold, Miss Thumb Sucker had wet her pants, accident #4 for the morning, and we were already running late. I strapped her in anyway. I didn't have time. And of course scolded her again for not using the potty.
Anyway, the point of this long-terrible-mommy-day story is that only 2 minutes into the car ride, still intermittently sobbing from having her mommy scream at her, my little girl cheerily said something about picking up Miss Firecracker and going home for lunch. I don't even really remember what it was. I just remember her tone was happy. She had already forgotten all the yelling and was moving on, while I was still churning from the morning. I was still mad. She had already forgiven me, and I hadn't even apologized yet.
Why is it so hard for us to forgive and forget when we expect it from God? Christ died, once for all and God forgives. Instantly. As soon as we ask for it, it is done. Why is it so hard for me to do the same? My little girl opened my eyes to how Satan was working in my heart that day. He was reeling in my head reminding me of all the awful things that had happened that morning and keeping them there. And by not forgiving and moving on, they just kept piling up and getting worse. If I had focused on God and forgiveness my day would not have seemed near as terrible.
So, by the time we got back home I had finally cooled off, squeezed my baby girl and told her that mommy was very sorry for losing her temper and yelling. She squeezed back and gave me a kiss. All taken care of. Now, hopefully, I can learn from this and not have it happen again.
Father, I failed. I lost it. I try so hard to do it the right way, to follow in your loving and forgiving footsteps, but I screw up. Over and over again, I screw up. I am so grateful that you give me forgiveness every single time. That Christ's blood covers it all and I just have to try to do better next time. Thank you for the chance to pick up and move on. Thank you for my children's loving and forgiving spirits. Help me hide your Word, love and forgiveness in my heart so that Satan does not have room to harbor vengeance in it as well. Help me overpower him though your love. Help me see the bigger picture, that potty accidents and phones and computers don't really matter, but the little girl does. Forgive me, Father and help me have the strength to do it right next time.
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