Disclaimer: This is a pity post. I have been in a funk for the last week and need to vent a little. Mostly so that I can go back through it and realize how silly I am being after I write it. There is no need to try and make me feel better or compliment me in any way. That is not the reason for this posting. This is simply a me-pouting-and-fuming-through-my-keypad-to-get-it-out-of-my-system-and-hope-it-will-go-away post. If you're not into that kind of thing, I suggest you just skip this one and join me tomorrow.
With that being said, I continue....
I have been in a funk this last week. I ran the Lincoln Half Marathon last Sunday and really enjoyed myself as always. I got to see a great friend I hadn't seen in over 6 months and chat/run with her for 10 miles. My training buddy ran with us for 5 miles and then had to make a pit stop. She sprinted to catch up with us, but went so fast she passed us and we never found each other again. She finished in 2:01. I finished in 2:08, 3 minutes over my goal time. I think this is where my funk begins. I have this little nagging inside of me wondering if I could have done better. I felt great after I was done. Didn't even take a nap in the afternoon (mostly because I had too much other stuff to do). This tells me I could have done better. I wish I would have done better, gone a little faster, pushed myself a little harder, made myself a little more tired. I need to get over it. I'll do it again next year and push harder then. I just need to come to that realization.
Funk #2 is my scale. It seems to be up a bit the last few months. My strategy when I have a few pounds to lose? Exercise more. I am one of those weird people who actually likes exercise. It makes me feel good and skinny. I am not so good at the eating part. Oh, I eat pretty healthy. I love fruits and veggies and chicken and all that kind of stuff, but I have a very hard time saying no to sweets. I am a chocoholic and crave it hourly. Sadly, my exercise more and don't change your diet theory isn't working out so well this time. Darn you 30's! And try as I might, I am failing at the eating part still. Once again, the half marathon comes to haunt me asI look at my pictures. I look huge. My husband tells me it is because my shorts were too big and they just make me look poufy. Nice try sweetie. My leg definition is missing (which when you have huge, manly legs to begin with it is not good not to have muscle definition or your legs are just huge) and there is definitely some extra poundage in the caboose. Not to mention my always-been-flat tummy has developed a few rolls no matter how many bicycles, crunches and mountain climbers I sneak into a day. Grrr! I just can't seem to get it right. And nothing depresses me more than feeling fat.
Funk #3 comes from re-reading a book that really inspired me when I read it around Christmas time and realizing that I didn't do anything about it. I resolved to do so much better with my mommy skills and reverted right back to my grumpy, serious self. I need to lighten up. To have more fun. To not take myself and my kids so seriously and I am failing. Hopefully, reading the book again will help. So far it is just making me mad at myself.
Funk #4 came from out of no where. I got a bad cold turned into a sinus infection last week and lost my voice for quite a while, like more than a week. I got to thinking "What if it never comes back?" Then that turned into a hole other set of issues. You see, I love to sing. Absolutely love it. I kinda freaked out a little bit for some odd reason. Then that got me to thinking that it didn't really matter if it didn't come back since I am not that great at it. Oh, I can carry a tune fairly well, but I am far from someone who will make you stop and listen the minute I open my mouth. I have always wanted to be better, but have never taken the time or had anyone interested enough to help me. I am never asked to do the solos but am good enough to get a small part here and there. This bugs me. Why does it bug me? No clue, but it does. I am such a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none. I am pretty good at a ton of things. People always ask me if there is anything I don't do. Not really. My issue is, I do it all, but I am not great at any of it. Singing is one I wish I could really master. It speaks to my soul. But again, I come up short.
OK. I think I am done. That made me feel a little better. I deleted Funk #5 because even I got tired of reading my whining. But, when I type things out it is kind of like thinking things through "out loud" and they just make more sense. Thanks for sticking in there with me. Yes, a total pity party and no, nothing is really wrong. I have expectation issues and body/weight issues and all sorts of other issues.
I need to step back and rest in God. To remember that He created me to be exactly who I am and to try to do my best to glorify Him. But it has just been one of those weeks where I just don't want to hear that. I just want to sit at the bottom of my pity pool and soak it all in. Oh, I'll float to the top soon and laugh at myself and my issues once again. Please tell me I am not the only one who does this.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THIS!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd my issues are VERY similar, friend. Weight, always weight, since I was little. Boo. Running . . . I think we've talked before about my frustration with that! I was so jealous of all you awesome runners who could actually complete a half marathon! And your time! Yowsa. Only in my dreams. I, too, have said more than a few times that I do an adequate job at a lot of things, but am not great at anything. I think I fail miserably as a mother a lot of the time. Hey, next time you're in a funk we should pity party together!
But here's to you, picking yourself up and keeping at it.
for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again . . .--Proverbs 24:16
Way to go, righteous woman! Hang in there. You're doing great. Love you.