Mama's Mouth

I'm struggling here, folks.  Grumpiness has taken over.

Now, I have never been a super patient, always using soft tones, tolerant type of mom.  But lately things are getting a little ugly. 

How can I tell?  I hear it in my kids.  Ouch.

Yesterday, I sent a crew of them out on a scavenger hunt I had put together for them (Now, don't be impressed by this little activity.  It took all of 3 minutes to write down, explain and gather materials for.  All with the intention that they would be outside, occupied, away from me for at least half an hour).  It was a nice day so the doors and windows were open and I could hear most of their conversations and such.  All of a sudden I hear my oldest hollering at his sister and one of my daycare girls about how they weren't doing it the right way.

People, I tell you, he sounded just like me when I get short with my kids.  Lord, have mercy, it put a sword through my heart to have to go stop him and have a little conversation with him about why he shouldn't do that.  Talk about feeling like a hypocrite.  Cripes!

And today, we spent a long day at the YMCA for my daughter's gymnastics classes, so by the time we got home an hour past nap time, this mama was once again a growling bear, completely oblivious to the revelation I had just been given the day before.

I sat down and read a few verses in Revelation, when God started convicting me of my behavior once again.  So I decided to change gears for a bit and see what He had to tell me about yelling.

Knife.  Pain.  Need a change.

Luke 17:2 tells us "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin" and I am falling down that slippery slope.  Who cares about me right now, look at the junk I am teaching my kids and the ways I am causing them to slide as well.

My temper is short, my words are harsh, I am being selfish with my time and activities.  I have become a complacent mama with a mean mouth and I am starting to hear it coming from my littles as well. 

While, I might be slightly harsh on myself, I can't keep making excuses.  I need a change or my kids are going to remember nothing about their childhood except for the fact that mom was super fun and nice when things were good and easy, but when they weren't you better take cover. 

I have known these facts for long enough.  I was raised by a person just like this.  It is still how I see her today.  While I love her to death and am so very thankful for the sacrifices she made to raise me, she is very much a two sided person.  Super fun and sweet when the mood is right, but when it isn't, just steer clear.  I don't want to be this way.  Please don't let me be this way.  I don't want that for my kids.

I have wanted to change forever, but I just can't seem to get it done.  I do OK for a few days, but then seem to end up down the same path.  I can't do it.

I feel like the words to this song "Worn" (yes, another song, bear with me) are just what my heart is saying.

 I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
 
I'm too weak, too stuck in my ways to make this change.  It is just the same things, over and over again.  My temper snaps, my patience disappears and mean, mouthy mama, rears her ugly head.  I can't do it.

But God can. 

I am going to use His words.  I am going to plaster all the verses I found in my "yelling" search around my house to remind myself that God will get me through this. I can discipline my kids without shouting at them.  I can control a situation without getting out of control.  My kids will listen to me even if I am not yelling if I un-train them to only listen when I do.  God can train me.

So. Very. Hard.  But I must get better.  I don't want to be that mom.

Will you please pray for me?  I'll try to keep you updated on how things are going.

Here are some of the verses I found:

Proverbs 31:26
When she speaks her words are wise and she gives instructions with kindness.

Proverbs 15:1                    
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Ephesians 4:29                    
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:15                    
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,